How to change negative thoughts and beliefs

We are hearing a lot about how our thoughts create our negative feelings and even realities now and that we need to replace these thoughts with positive thoughts or affirmations to change our feelings and realities.

But if you are like me, I did not find doing this very helpful. I think because the subconscious mind doesn’t agree with the positive affirmations and doing this may in fact work against you as your subconscious mind will then find ways to prove what ‘it’ believes is correct.

So how do we deal with those negative thoughts and beliefs we know make us feel lousy?

Albert Ellis, 1913-2007, was a psychologist and the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) This is a process whereby you can challenge irrational or unrealistic beliefs that lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction. The model Ellis used for REBT, to analyse a problem was ABC.

A is the Activating experience-the event that occurred.

B is the Belief systems, rational and irrational thought processes (B) about the event (A)

C is the Consequences of A + B. The emotions and actions that result from B about the experience A.

Ellis believed that our emotions (C) were not caused by the experience (A) but by our thoughts (B) around that experience. So, in effect he is also saying what we believe creates our reactions and emotions.

However, there is one very big difference, in that, Ellis does not propose we come up with an opposite positive affirmation or thought but analyse the belief you have, rationalise it and reframe it.

For example, you have a disagreement with your co-worker at work and they are upset. You start to feel anxious and regret that you have upset them. This may be because you believe "I must never upset anyone in case they do not like me or reject me".

It is not that you have upset someone (A) but that you believe (B) you will be disliked and rejected. This negative belief creates anxiety and feelings of insecurity (C).

Ellis suggests reframing the belief (B) to something that is more rational and does not create dissatisfactions. The trick is to accept the reality of the event (A) and your feelings (C) but change the belief to something that is more rational and feels better.

For example, this is a reframe from the above negative belief “I don’t like to upset people but sometimes they will not like what I say or do. It is unrealistic to expect to be liked by everyone.”

Once you have been able to reframe your belief to something that is closer to the truth, you will notice you feel a bit better.

Here’s another example. You have gained weight and feel like a failure.

Negative Belief “I must be thin and never gain weight. If I do, then I have failed and will be unattractive and worthless.”

Reframe “I am disappointed I have gained some weight, but it is natural for weight to fluctuate from week to week. It does not mean my weight will continue to increase. I have made some healthy lifestyle changes and they will pay off in the long run.”

Another example could be you find it very difficult to disagree with people close to you-often agreeing to things you do not want to do born out of this negative belief “I must please everyone else and avoid conflict. Otherwise, they will not love me and could reject me.”

Reframe- “I like to please others but sometimes I need to be true to myself because Self-Love is more important than keeping others happy. Conflict and honesty in relationships creates deeper levels of intimacy and authenticity.”

If you find yourself really upset about something that has happened, set aside some time to reflect on what upset you. Ask yourself ‘what is my belief about what happened?’

I find doing this as a written exercise makes it easier. Once you have worked out your negative belief, reframe it to something that is more rational and closer to the truth.

The more you practice this the better you will feel.

Excerpt from free E Book; How to be your own counsellor in 6 easy steps.

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